The Conference Call

Sorry to leave everyone hanging.  I'm trying to break this into pieces and it seemed like a good stopping point.

April 10 at 9:00 a.m. we had a conference call with our agency rep.  She began the call by telling us the story of the little boy and girl.  For now, I'll call the 2 year old girl "M" and the 4 year old boy "E".  On January 21 this year M and E were dropped off at an orphanage along with 2 other brothers.  There were four of them.  Four siblings left without a home.

Their story is a story of complete brokenness.  There's death, abandonment, and fear.  They have lived through more than I could ever imagine.  When I think of Parker and Abigail having to go through what they've been through I have a weight on me that I've never felt before.  There's so much sadness.  These are the words that I can't figure out how to type.  I don't know how to express what this all is.

Congo has a law that no more than 3 children can be adopted into one home.  So, our agency split the children into 2 groups of 2 in order to find them homes.  This was a big deal to us.  We strongly believe in keeping families together.  And the thought of separating the kids seemed almost unbearable to us.  How can we take them away from 2 siblings and replace them with 2 more?  It was tragic.  But there is no way around it.  These children are going to be split.

The more we talked and listened we knew that these children were special to us.  Not just M and E, but their brothers as well.  We realized that we are willing to be in the mess.  We are willing to join forces with another family in order to provide a home for these kids.  We are fighters.  We are capable and willing to track down another family, fight for the children to be in each other's lives and live in the chaos that it creates.  Not everyone can do that.  We know we can.

We had lots of questions and what ifs as we talked to our rep.  The more answers we got, the more questions we had.  We still have a lot of questions.  Some will be answered, and others will forever remain what ifs in our minds.  We'll seek to understand and we'll seek to know.  At the same time we are seeking to accept the known and the unknown alike.

We said "yes" to M and E.  We haven't signed the referral, or contract, yet.  That should come in the next week or so.  We are choosing not to share their story of how they became orphans right now.  I'm not sure when we will  or if we will leave that as their story to tell one day.  I'm thinking it'll be the latter.

We cannot post their pictures or names until they are legally ours. But I'll post the following with their faces covered for a sneak preview for you to see.

For me, I thought that we would feel this sense of "heaven meets earth" when we saw the pictures of our kids and knew that they were to be ours.  But, honestly, I didn't feel much heaven.  It's heavy.  It's sad, more sadness than I realized I could bear.  I'm not a crier and I'm not usually emotional, but the ugly cry shows up daily around here.  There's a lot more brokenness, a lot more sadness, and a lot more weight on this road that we are walking.  But, yet, we choose to walk towards it.  In fact, we choose to run.  I long for the day that M and E know that hope is real, that God loves them and made them special, and that a full life is ahead of them.  I long for that day.

Just this morning we realized that it was January 21 when Eric and I sat on our couch and decided the time was right to adopt.  The same day that 4 precious children were dropped off at an orphanage in Congo.

The Call

So much has happened in the past few weeks.  I haven't written about it because there were some things we needed to figure out, and, honestly, I didn't know what to write.  I'm not a great writer.  I definitely cannot put words to all that has happened or all that we feel.  But, I will try.  I'm going to write piece by piece all that has happened in the last month.  Here's the first slice.

On April 9th we received "The Call."  This call is what most adoptive parents wait months for.  They freak out when the phone rings and can barely hold themselves together.  For me, I compare it to the feeling that I have when Parker gets a good hit in baseball.  What?!  Oh my gosh!  Yay!  Run!!!!  (Nice huh.)

At the end of March we had spoken to our amazing case worker and officially requested "brother sister siblings ages 0-3."  There you have it.  Very specific.  We were actually okay with a child age 4, but we have heard that people cheat the ages of the kids in Congo.  So, if we wanted a 4 year old, say, "age 3" and the kid will actually be 4.  (Oh yeah, this is about as much sense as all of this makes.)  Anyways, that was our request.  We were told that our request was really specific and that we might want to change it to a broader request if 6 months go by and we still aren't matched.  Of course, we were open to something else, but everything has been just falling into our laps until this point... so, why not ask for what we truly desire.

Two weeks later we got the call.

I was in the shower.  Of course.  And, for some reason, I stepped out of the shower to answer the phone.  First our agency rep asked questions to fully understand what we were looking for in adoptive children.  I thought she was just being nice.  Then, to my surprise, she said, "I have siblings.  It's a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl."

What?!  Excuse me?  Wait.  What?!

I held my cool and asked some calm business-like questions.

There was a little girl on our agency website that had caught my attention.  I had shown her picture to my mom and to Eric.  Her little face had captured my heart.  But, the circumstances around her seemed impossible for her to be a part of our family.  Because of this phone call and the craziness of the situation, I asked about the little girl.  I wanted to know who she was and if someone was adopting her.

After making sure our agent knew who I was referring to, she said to me, "This is the little girl that I've call you about.  She is the 2 year old sister."  At that point I almost lost it.

Again, I held my cool and asked some calm business-like questions.  But, in my heart, I was thinking, "Wait.  What?!  Really.  What?!  Oh my gosh."

The rep told me to talk to Eric about it and let her know if we were interested.  I called Eric at work.  He couldn't answer or talk.  Of course, right?

I was the front office volunteer at school that day.  I was worthless.  I owe the office ladies big time!

After talking to Eric we decided that we were interested and set up a conference call for the next morning.

(more to come.......)

Vision changes the world

As we walk through this adoption process I am haunted by the reality that adopting two children is not going to help Congo as a whole.  That's not why we are adopting.  But, the more we learn, and we've been devoted students, we know that we have to try to help in some way.  Congo is an amazing country with so much potential.  However, Congo is broken.  The brokenness is not really even their own doing.  The history of what has happened to that country is appalling.  I don't believe it is going to be fixed by us Americans.  I believe it is going to take someone with a big Congolese heart from that country to make changes.

I saw this video today and it sparked something in me.  It reminded me of the beginning of Martin Luther King Jr's speech "I have a dream..."  That phrase alone holds so much potential... so much power.  Vision changes the world.  Without vision people suffer.  It's not just the big dreams, it's the little ones too.  This video shows teenage girls who have never thought about what they wanted to be when they grow up.  They didn't even know that thought was possible.

Let's dream.  Dream Big!  Let's teach our children to dream.

Siblings and a Garage Sale

I haven't written on the blog in awhile.  There has been so much going on.  So much that I either can't write about or just don't have the words to.

I guess the first update is that we officially requested 2 children.   Three weeks ago we spoke to our case worker at our adoption agency and officially requested "boy/girl siblings ages 0-3."  We were told that it's a pretty specific request and we need to be prepared to wait awhile or make it a little broader.  For now, we wait.  After all, everything else has been thrown in our laps in this process... why not go for what we truly desire, right?

The other thing that a lot of people don't know about is that Congo is not letting children out of the country right now.  You may have seen news stories about it.  It's heartbreaking.  Children are being taken through the entire court process, being given legal custody to their adoptive families, but then denied exit from the country.  This has been going on since last Fall.  The Congolese government has said that they will continue this until September.  We are praying for big things with this.

We are praying that Congo will start issuing exit letters before September so that these precious children can get home.  I would love for y'all to join us in praying for this.  Right now we are watching families weep over not being able to get their kids.  For some reason we are still drawn forward in this process.  We aren't moving forwards blindly.

We have started the fundraising portion of adoption.  Good grief.  The expenses for adopting are outrageous.  It's humbling for us to start fundraising.  We started this whole process with an idea in mind that we could pay out of pocket for the whole thing.  We could've figured that out with adopting 1 child.  But, now that we are adopting two...  Well, it's a lot.

We were blown away last week with the number of friends and family who helped us with our first garage sale.  I've counted 19 families who helped us by donating items, folding tables, or helped us set up and sell.  We raised almost $1900 for the adoption.  Holy cow!

Then, in the middle of the garage sale, I got an email from our agency letting us know that a friend had sent in a check for $2,000!  What?!  Needless to say, there have been a few tears shed over here.  We feel honored that people care.  We feel like we have a small army behind us on this whole journey.  We know we aren't going at it alone.

The Refining Process

I keep telling my husband that this whole adoption process is so refining.  It forces me to look deep within myself.

I got my first "Oh!  So you want to adopt athletes?"  What?!  Seriously.  No.  I am not adopting black children in order to get athletes.

I also got "Oh you definitely don't want to adopt a 4 year old.  Character is already set by 4.  There's nothing you will be able to do and they will be completely damaged."  Thank God the majority of us did not grow up with people who believed that we could never change or grow after the age of 4!

Yesterday we visited a friend's church.  The church is led by two amazing African American families, one of whom happens to be really good friends of ours.  The crowd was made up of African American families and one white family who had adopted black children.  I didn't think much about it.  But, at some point during the music, I looked down at Abigail.  She looked like she was about to cry.  She was just looking from person to person.  I picked her up and she rested her head on my shoulder the rest of the time.  After the music she willingly and hesitantly went with the other children to another room.

I couldn't help but watch my daughter.  She is a very confident, independent and secure child, but she was unsure.  She was a little scared.  She was in a new place that was full of people who looked different than her.

I felt like my heart was being ripped out of me as I thought about the little boy or girl that we will bring home.  They won't just be in one room of people that look different than them.  They will be in a whole community of that.  They will be in a family that looks different.  They will be terrified.

(Abigail quickly forgot about all of it and made new friends.  In fact, both of my children said they loved the church and want to go back.)

Then, last night we watched a video that our social worker had given to us.  The video interviewed adults who were not white but had been adopted into white families when they were children.  I'm learning more and more that our entire family is going to have to have an identity adjustment.  I can't expect my black kids to think they are white or even want to be.  And, I can't ignore the issues that they are going to face one day because of it.  On top of that, Parker and Abigail are going to have to embrace Africa as a part of their upbringing as well.  Their identity is going to totally change too.

I wonder if my adopted son will have the cops called on him because he's walking through our neighborhood one day.  Or, will my adopted daughter's heart get broken when she's in middle school and can't use the same beauty products as her friends.  I wonder how long it will take before Abigail gets tired of her friends not believing that her little brother or sister really is her little brother or sister.

Just like Abigail stared at people in the church we visited, I too, stare at people's blogs who have mixed families.  I stare.  I look at their facebook pages and wonder and think.  Lots and lots of thinking.

I think I'm actually mourning the loss of our identity as a family.  Not mourning in a regretful sort of way, but mourning because we are walking into uncharted water.  Mourning because I'm not sure where we will fit in.  But, at the same time, I am compelled to keep moving forward.  I am compelled by a story of redemption and grace-  a story of love and adventure.  I have no idea what the next few years will bring, but I can't wait to look back on them one day and see the story that has been written.

Baseball and Butterflies

I'm learning a lot about myself during this whole adoption process.  We've had to write autobiographies, answer worksheets on parenting children of another race, fill out forms on cross-cultural parenting, and go through several interviews.  And, all of that is just the start.

Yesterday we had our individual appointments with our social worker.  She asked me what values I want to teach my children.  I told her that the most important thing I can teach my children is to love God and love others.  Most of life's problems can be summed up with those two things or a lack there of.

But then she asked me what small values I want to teach them.  Through this process I've realized how much I value independence.  I reward my kids when they are independent.  I reward them when they allow me to be independent.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  I'm sure it's both, depending on the situation.  The interesting thing, and slightly scary thing, (okay, honestly really scary thing) is that when we first bring home a child from Congo I am going to have to teach that child to be dependent--completely dependent on me.  This freaks me out!  I don't know how to do that.

One thing I've learned that I don't value, but need to value, is my children's uniqueness.  They are unique, and that is good.  I get so caught up in the "mom race."  You know, the "My kid plays 5 sports.  What does your kid do?" race.  So caught up!  I don't know why.

For instance, Parker is now playing baseball.  Baseball is like the Bible of East Cobb where we live.  Everyone plays baseball.  And, to top it off, he plays in a competitive league.  This is his first year ever playing baseball and he is playing with kids that have played for 8+ seasons.  Yep.  Needless to say, it's been rough.  Why can't I just sit back and enjoy that my quirky science loving kid is enjoying a sport?  Why do I feel like I have to explain to everyone that this is his first time playing.  Who cares right?  For some reason I care.  I hate that I care.  I don't want to care.  I want to be the parent that just enjoys my kid whether he gets a hit or not.

So that is my new mission in parenting.  I want to celebrate my kids for who they are- for the unique way God has made them individually.  I'm setting out to change my values, to change my way of thinking.

(This is a picture of the butterflies that the kids grew over the winter.  One of the many science projects we have going at our house right now.)

A Check for the Right Amount

One of the biggest stressors with adopting is the money.  It is so expensive!  And, the hardest part about it is that the money is almost all due at the beginning.  You don't really get to spread out the expenses throughout the process.  Last month was a pricey month.  This month shouldn't be too bad, but April and May will be CRAZY.

This morning I added up how much money I thought we were going to need this month to cover our adoption expenses.  This month it's $1,103.  Not too bad, but a little painful knowing what's about to come.

When I got home today and picked up the mail I saw a letter from State Farm.  No lie... We got a check from them for $1,097!!  Only $6 difference from what we will owe!  We NEVER get money back.  Once again, these little bits of amazing keep happening.