Excited and Nervous

News of our adoption is spreading.  I'm sure facebook has something to do with that!  Over the past couple weeks I've run into a lot of people who have been really encouraging during this process.  Several people have told me that they think we are brave or they are proud of us.  It's such a strange thing to me.  I don't feel brave or feel like we're doing anything worth anyone being proud.  Maybe if we were opening an orphanage or teaching widows how to earn a living in Africa- that's something to be proud of.

For us, we are actually really scared.  And, honestly, I am an emotional mess.  I usually pride myself in being a "strong woman" who can do anything without being rattled.  Not so much here.  I am completely excited and nervous at the same time.  I have so much hope and so much sadness at the same time.  It's really hard to describe.

I am excited because I'm getting to do something big, something I've always wanted to do.  I have hope because I truly believe that this is the direction our family needs to head in and that when we follow God with everything, we will see things beyond our imagination.  I'm excited that my children, growing up in the south, will understand love without racial boundaries.  And I'm excited to grow our family!

I am sad- really really sad.  I'm sad that there is a mom and dad out there who will not get to experience the joy of parenting the child that I will call mine.  I'm sad because I wonder where our child (or children) is now.  Is he with his mom or dad?  Has tragedy already occurred in his life or is it about to?  Is he hungry?  Is he sleeping in a bed by himself tonight or sharing a bed with 10 others?  Is his mom holding him for what she knows will be the last time?  These thoughts and questions bring tears to my eyes and bring me to my knees every single day.

I'm nervous.  We pretty much have the perfect set up right now.  We are changing that.  I don't know if it'll be this easy for a long time.  In fact, I know it won't.  I wonder if I'll be better with the chaos of children this time around.  I'm grateful I won't have postpartum depression like I did with infants.  But, will we sleep when the children are at our house?  Will they have nightmares for years because of what they've seen?  Will attachment to us be easy or hard?  Will I still get to go out with my husband all the time, or will they need us at home more than our biological kids?

As you can read, my mind is racing.  I don't feel brave or proud.  But, despite all the questions, I do feel sure.  I am sure that we are traveling the path we were intended to travel.  I am sure that God has a bigger plan for us that what we could ever imagine on our own.  I have seen God heal the brokenhearted, calm the troubled, give strength to the weary and make beautiful things out of pain and suffering.  I am sure that God will do that in our future family.

My son prayed tonight at bedtime.  I love his prayer...

God, please help my brother or sister to know that even though they don't know us now, that we are coming for them and that they are going to have a family forever.  Please help them to not be hungry or sick or scared today.  Help them to have hope.  Help my mom and dad know whether or not to adopt 2 kids or just 1.  Amen.